01.19.16 Paradigm Shift, or "Who do You Think You Are?"

01.18.16      Paradigm Shift, or "Who do You Think You Are?"

What do you like, What do you do?

From the moment I was asked by my current ministry Supervisor in 2015 to travel to a distant city for participation in a psychological evaluation, I said, “Oh Good, I would love to.”  This was requested of all of us who are lay clergy, so I thought nothing of it. Besides, during 25 years as a mental health professional, I had gotten guidance counseling, but never undergone a formal assessment of myself.  I looked forward to finding out what the testing would be like, and what it might say about me.

As a middle child in a large middle class family, I grew up with comparisons and competition.  Average grades were unacceptable, and mediocrity was a condition I denied or avoided all my life.  With older siblings whom I considered brilliant (even though maybe not), I tried to prove I was just as capable.  Before I was old enough to attend kindergarten I would follow them to school.  At age 4, I just wanted to keep up and do what they got to do.

 

A Natural Child

School work came easily enough for me, except for math, until middle school. In the fourth grade, around age 10, I wrote a play that was put on for the rest of the school by my class. I took piano lessons and performed in school concerts.  I sang solos and played piano for church.  Then teenage drinking that turned into an addiction to alcohol became a detour from the age of 13 that interfered with my development, and of course with my identity.  I went from being a fairly good student to believe instead that I hated school. For a few years, I lost interest in all activities that required any effort on my part.

Through later getting counseling for myself to help with low self-esteem I was directed toward help for sober recovery.  I learned that feelings are not facts and I do not have to act on every emotion.  I learned to start using my whole brain.  It became disturbing that I had spent years in complacency and had no sense of identity and no idea who I was or what I wanted to do with my life.

I returned to school at the age of 29 to challenge my former belief that I had hated school.  I entered college to explore possibilities, to see what could happen if I wanted to learn.   Recovery made a difference in all aspects of my life. I became inspired to pursue lifelong learning, from the cradle to the grave.  My priorities changed in order to practice healthy living, and the door opened through education for entering a helping career.

Sand Tray Story Telling to Explore Mysteries of Meaning

When I accepted that the amazing grace of being a child of God includes a continual growth process, I could recognize the meaning in my personal journey.  It became clear that every experience had contributed to knowledge, wisdom, and solutions.  I took seriously the guidance in 1996 from my only brother who suggested in addition to a counseling vocation that I pursue Christian ministry. I entered volunteer ministry and service work in my church and community.

By 1999 I was a minister without assignment to a specific church or congregation.  My brother happened to mention a friend of his I should meet, and he took me to visit the Reverend Jean Lowe, pastor of a nearby church in his town.  He dropped me off to spend a couple of hours with her at the church. In a very comfortable conversation, I told her of my uncertainty about serving in a non-denominational ministry role without a clear focus.  I shared my doubts about feeling called to do more spiritual work.  Reverend Lowe, in her wisdom, helped me see that serving people in spiritual ways is just as important whether from the pulpit or apart from the church.  She prophesied that I would help many more people because of the wide variety of circles where my life takes me.  I have since taken her word to heart, and have been very intentional about widening my social circles.

Whistler Canyon with Back Country Horsemen

-- As a counselor for behavioral health, I am also a perpetual student attending classes every year.  

-- As a budding musician, I look for ways to help with music, like singing and playing at farmers market.

-- As a member of a club for horseback trail riding I meet new people with horses and commune with the Creator through nature.

 --​ As a sober member of recovery fellowship in the community, I openly share my story of transformation.

The Spirit of Freedom, when Riding with Friends

When the results of last year's first ever psychological evaluation labeled me as average, that word was a humbling reminder of the insecurities I have forever resisted.  That I eagerly participated, is also evidence I am currently in ministry with an organization that I am privileged to be responsible to.  It is an opportunity to be accountable to the churches and the congregations I am now serving.  It gives me a feeling of personal integrity.  My willingness has increased to contribute and belong to a very large fellowship that fosters and grows spiritual leaders like me.  

The recent psychological evaluation helped me see that over time and with experience, there has been a significant shift in my belief about who I am, and the purpose of my life. It gave me a chance to compare the standard testing assessment, with my own experience.  What could not be measured or labeled, is the deep gratitude in my soul which grows with the daily rewards of living and acting on faith.

 

Martin Luther King Jr. said there is no separation between the body and the soul, the secular and the spiritual.  When I stay connected to people who guide and encourage me, it helps me be more available in ways that God could use my life to help improve the lives of others.  A Simple Definition of the word available is to be useful or helpful.  Today I am OK with being measured as average,  in my ordinary ways of being useful and helpful.  For me there is nothing that compares to just being available, as a servant for the message of grace and hope.